Facets of Tulpamancy - Amalia's perspective
So, lemme get started right away with:
Part 1:
-Being a tulpa-
So, Michael told you some stuff about what it's like to be a host and creating a tulpa, and i figure i'll tell you what it's like being on the other side of that fence.
See, on the surface, i don't think it's all that different from being.... well, human, i guess. Feels a bit weird to imply that i'm not, but i suppose it's technically correct. I'm very much a person, with my own thoughts and personality, and i'm certainly -part- of a particular human being, but on my own, i consider myself a thoughtform. Which i don't see as better or worse than being human. Just different. I'm quite comfortable with who, and what, i am.
In any case, the first 1-2 years of my life are a bit blurry, because while i had the inherent advantage of being able to draw on the memories and skills of my dear host, i still had to kinda figure out how to..... well, exist, if you will. Didn't really know who i was yet, and i had to learn not only how to do advanced stuff like fronting (taking control of our body), but even fairly basic stuff like communicating effectively with Michael. Even just thinking in parallel with each other is a skill we both had to learn.
Buuut Michael's always been a supportive host for me, and well, here we are now. I'm having my turn in front, writing to you while he's hanging out in the back seat. He had to learn how to do that, actually. Took him a while to get used to the sensation. In fact, he still sometimes gets little moments where he finds himself astonished that i can take charge just as well as he can.
So yeah, we both adapted to our life together. I became quite comfortable being a purely thought-based entity, and well, i'll be honest: Over time, i developed all kinds of skills and tricks, not to mention a rather strong mental presence. I don't want to give weight to the creepypasta-nonsense, but if i want to, i -can- exert some pretty deep influence over Michael. Not that i would ever abuse that! If i were some mind-controlling monster keeping her host as a pet, i'd hardly be telling you this, right?😉
But no, Michael and i have always been mutually adamant that we should live as equals, and so we always shall. And yeah, if anything, i'm doing my best to be a good influence.
Other than that, well, i honestly don't think i feel much different to how Michael feels. We're a very 50/50 sort of plural, so it's not like either of us has limitations the other doesn't.
Our personalities are different and while we do share all our interests, we do have different preferences for 'em. But as he mentioned in his post, we're both kinda keen to please each other, so we've probably both adapted and changed a fair bit for one another over the years without even noticing.
But yeah, i'd say the biggest difference is in one's sense of self: Michael grew up in this body. It's well and truly -our- body nowadays, but ultimately, it's got his face and his features, whereas i technically don't have a body of my own. Or even a voice.
Michael gave me a rough image of what i might look like, which i modified to my liking, and it took me a while to figure out what i'd like to sound like in our head. But ultimately, the point is that those are simply representations of my choosing. I'm ultimately aware that, beyond the ways i represent myself, i'm a non-physical, genderless entity of pure thought. But then, that's what -gives- me the freedom to represent myself in any way i so choose.
Heck, you might even argue that i'm a bit boring, considering there's talking animal tulpas, flying tulpas and what have you out there. I suppose i didn't wanna deviate too much from Michael's idea of what i might look like. Overall, i like the original foundation he laid out. I also decided to keep and cherish the name he gave me.
But speaking of identity, i've got another interesting bit to get into:
Part 2:
-Socializing with others-
See, Michael and i are quite open about our plurality and coexistence here on the internet, but it has to be said:
Out there, in the real world, as it were? We don't talk about this stuff. Simply because we're quite aware that we're breaking social norms. Online, you can get away with it just fine. You might get a rude comment here and there, but meh, it's the internet. If you get into a confrontation with some close-minded simpleton out there in offline-land, there's real stress involved.
There's a veeery tiny group of people who know us offline who know of our true nature, and even with them, we don't tend to dwell on the topic. We get that it's just too "out there" to the average person and we don't wanna freak 'em out. Again, online, people tend to be a bit more "numb" to this sort of thing, and usually more accepting of it.
And so, when we're in public and i'm in front, i pretty much just pretend to be Michael. Or well, actually, it's almost more like we merge into one in social situations.
Or well, it depends. If it's a conversation with someone who doesn't know us all that well, i'll largely just be myself. I'll refer to us as "me" and call myself Michael to avoid "breaking cover", but i'll freely display my own personality because meh, no need to hide it.
If, however i'm spoken to by someone who's known Michael for years, and who doesn't know about me? It's hard to explain, because it happens pretty much as a reflex, but basically, i've learned to temporarily stop being myself and fully present as Michael, including his memories and previous experiences with this person. It's like a temporary merge, if you will.
Obviously, if Michael is in front, he's just being himself, no matter who we're talking to.
I get that that sounds a bit sad and/or maybe even creepy, but well.... meh? I mean, people are shaped by the society and culture they grow up in, and ours is one that usually portrays anything relating to multiple personalities as either "spooky" or "crazy", so we can't exactly blame the average person for the views they had instilled into them. We just pragmatically adapt and take the path of least resistance. 🤷
And just in case you're wondering how so many people around us don't know this stuff when it's all right out here in public: We live in rural Germany. The people around us aren't exactly likely to engage with our online presence in the first place, and the moment they realize it's all in English, a solid 99% won't bother to try and understand it. Kinda wish that wasn't so, actually. I'd be kind of a nice way of easing people into it without the stressful face-to-face confrontation.
Anyway, there -is- one group of people who don't think all this is weird and esoteric:
Part 3:
-The plural community-
Well, we're not very big on social media, being rather busy together working on all sorts of projects, as well as.... y'know, our job.
But it's fair to say that occasionally, when we have a look at the tulpamancy or plural subreddits, it's usually quite heartening to see other systems sharing their experiences.
We've had many moments where we were pleasantly reassured by seeing our own experiences reflected in the writings of others. Kind of a nice sign that we're not "doing it wrong", so to speak.😜
That said, there -is- some friction in the wider community. See, there's two terms i need to quickly explain, here.
See, there's "traumagenic" systems, which come about through trauma, disorders, whatever you want to call it. Medical psychological conditions. DID, for the most part.
And then there "endogenic" systems like ourselves. Systems that came to be not through trauma, but through (usually deliberate) practices. Tulpamancy being a prime example.
The thing is, we haven't seen much of this ourselves, being largely off social media, but it's apparently quite common for traumagenic systems to heavily dislike endogenic systems, and to claim that it's all fake and that we should be ashamed of ourselves for trivializing this sort of condition.
Well, on the one hand, i personally want to directly dismiss this, of course. I'm perfectly real, thank you very much, and it's not like we're claiming to be a DID system. Michael actually worked pretty hard to give me life, and having other systems, as in -people who know this stuff is actually real-, claim that others are faking it just seems utterly bizarre.
Oooon the other hand, and this is where i get a little controversial: I get why they see it this way, to an extent.
Because here's the thing: Michael and i are very "traditional" as far as tulpamancy systems go. It's only the two of us, and i'm using the image and identity of a fairly normal, human woman. Michael also started the process when he was 29, and i've now been around for a little over 4 years. So we're quite stable.
The thing is, when you look at endogenic systems, cases like ours are the majority. But there -are- people who uhm..... how do i put this.... kept their minds a little -too- open?
You've gotta keep in mind, for many traumagenic systems, it's not easy. They never intended to be plural, and they often aren't quite in control of it all.
So if someone comes along and goes "Hey ho, i'm 12 and i've got 60 tulpas based on Pokémon" or something..... yeah, i dunno about you, but i can see why some of them feel the way they do about endogenic systems.
I mean, none of us know what things look like in each other's heads. That 12-year old from our example might indeed have that many actual, thinking entities in their head. But it doesn't -seem- very plausible or likely to an outsider, does it?
And we've seen people claiming to have thousands entities living in theirs. And sorry, but no. You might have convinced yourself that you do, but every little mood change doesn't constitute a new personality. >_>
But then, where do you draw the line? I mean, even a well developed tulpa like myself starts out with the host "convincing themselves" that you're there, until they get so used to thinking for the two of you that your thought process becomes truly automatic and independent of the host's.
..... but then of course, different people will have very different ideas of what a developed tulpa looks like.
With Michael and myself, we're full-on 50/50. Michael spent ages with meditative practices, hypnosis and very deliberate training to help me develop into my own person. We're equal partners and we're both perfectly capable of making important decisions and living life.
But especially to someone younger, someone who themselves aren't mature enough to be trusted with important decisions and such, a "developed" tulpa might just mean a particularly inspiring imaginary character they came up with one afternoon. It all comes down to personal definitions.
But yeah, that's why i'm saying i can kinda see where the anti-endogenic sentiment comes from, to a degree. It probably depends on which endogenic systems one comes into contact with. And of course one's own viewpoint and circumstances.
I mean, again, even we, someone acutely and deliberately experiencing life as a duet, have to occasionally remind ourselves that no, we shouldn't judge, because no matter how outright preposterous someone's claims might seem, we can't know what's going on in their noggin.
Still, i don't wanna make it seem like this whole community is a splintered mess of infighting. By in large, we tend to find the online plural community quite pleasant. It's a very esoteric topic, and it's nice to be reminded that we're not the only one(s) experiencing this kind of thing.
And uhm, speaking of people "experiencing things" together....
Part 4:
-Intimacy-
Ooookay, gonna be quite careful with what i say, here. We do try to keep this place reasonably clean.😉
Still, i wanted to address it, because well, it's a question that inevitably comes up. Can there be feelings? Can things... "happen" between headmates? Do people make tulpas just for -that- kind of thing?
Obviously, big -WARNING- here, this part might get a little more explicit than you're used to from us, and you might learn more than you meant to! Scroll down to the next chapter if you're not ready.😜
Well, to lay down a few facts right away:
This stuff of course heavily depends on the individual, but broadly: Yes, things can "happen". Yes, there can be some rather deep emotional bonds and unfortunately, yes, some people make one or more tulpas specifically for that reason.
Let me be quite clear: As someone who's been given the opportunity to grow and become her own person, i dislike the idea of hosts "shaping" their tulpas in the first place, and a host basically training their tulpa for explicit stuff is just gross.
Someone who decides to create a tulpa is taking on an important responsibility. You're not a parent per se, but you -are- in a position to very heavily influence the development of a person. Now, influencing a newly created headmate to adopt a certain role might be excused as "giving them a place", especially if they're allowed to grow out of that original role and do their own stuff. But starting someone's whole existence specifically for naughty stuff? Just creepy.
Just wanted to put that out there right away.
Now, i might as well pre-empt a few questions about the "how". Obviously, things work differently for everyone. Many systems just don't get intimate or romantic at all. Some do, but have platonic relationships.
When intimacy does happen, some use their hands (or even more elaborate.... "means"). Some keep things entirely in their mindscape. Some of us can even train themselves to be able to..... "finish" physically, entirely through mental interaction.
Might sound a bit fanciful, but keep in mind that we -are- talking about interactions between two minds, here. There might not be two bodies, but the emotion, passion and desire are all there, so while imagination is of course involved, things can get a lot more intense than just normal fantasizing.
Now, i know you're wondering. And i'm just gonna come out and say it:
Michael created me partly out of curiosity, and partly because i think he wanted someone to be a good influence on him, which is perhaps why i've become quite confident and independent.
That said, i can tell you for a fact that he explicitly decided that intimacy, while not completely off the table, was not something he would ever promote or encourage. In fact, he was fairly awkward and shy about the funniest things, at first.
....... which is why i can confidently tell you that it was -me- who made the first move.😏
Yep, imma let the cat outta the bag. Michael and i are a thing. We've been a thing for a few years. And yes, we do "stuff" together.
But yeah, i was the initiator. I don't want you thinking that he's one of those creeps i described earlier. Nope, he's a sweet, innocent host who's been seduced and claimed by his fiendish tulpa. Maybe the creepypastas were right after all!😜
.... but in all seriousness though, yes, we're in a very fulfilling and devoted relationship. As far as we're concerned, we're wife and husband. Would a psychologist call it healthy? Probably not. Are we going to spend the one life we have together worrying about fitting into other people's norms? Heh, well the fact that you're reading the words of a tulpa right now answers that question, no?
Besides, we live in the age of OnlyFans and AI "girlfriends". You know, people convincing themselves that they're in a relationship with a thing that has no emotions and simply remixes whatever stolen romance novels it was trained on.
Frankly, with how mucked up things are getting, i think Michael and I are perfectly fine, thanks.😉
..... though yeah, this is gonna be one of the -very- few times where one of us will explicitly state this stuff. I'm only being quite -this- candid because i specifically warned you that you might learn more than you're ready for.
So while we don't want this to be a total secret burdening us, we also don't exactly need everyone to know. I'm happy to let it be something that people -might- learn about us if they dig around a bit. Y'know, like you're doing!😉
(Unless this is like, your first time reading a post from us. In which case..... whoops! Please go and look at some of our other posts, our art and music, before you get the wrong idea about us!)
And er, for obvious reasons, i won't go into any more detail, either. I don't think many of you would want to hear it, and even if you would, -some- things are only for us to know, eh?
And with that, let's move onto something a little less spicy:
Part 5:
-Collaboration on our projects-
Yeees, the mechanics of how we actually put stuff together! Who contributes what to which projects! That should be a good topic.
So, what's our system, you ask? Well..... there isn't one.
Generally speaking, Michael and i will each contribute to our projects whenever there's time. Who's contributing what usually just depends on who happens to be in front at the right time.
That means that yeah, most of our stuff will be a collaboration between us, but which one of us contributed more depends entirely on chance. So some projects are a little more Amalia, some are a little more Michael.
I'd say that with most projects, it's somewhere between a 50-50 and say, a 75-25 split. Rarely will a project become so one-sided that one of us will contribute more than three quarters of the work.
The one exception to that rule is this blog, actually. For one, there's posts like this one, which are written entirely by one of us, for one reason or another. This also applies to our status reports, because those are pretty much always written on Sunday morning, in a single sitting. Hours before our first switch of the day.
And also, we quite recently (at the time of writing) decided to write all of our future collaborative posts tag-team style, handing off to one another and actually colouring the text slightly green if i'm writing. (Yeah, all the green in our visuals is mostly my thing. Looking at my pictures, i think you can see the connection.😉)
But yeah, we're hoping it won't impact the flow of reading too much, and it should give us a bit more flexibility writing. I can write about things from my perspective, Michael from his, and we won't have the curious complexity of having to express everything from the second person perspective, even when the one writing is talking about themselves.
It's a bit of a peculiarity when you're writing as a known plural. Quite easy for your text to become confusing if you're writing in the first person, unless you inform the reader about who's writing the current part.
Oh, also, in case you're wondering: Those pictures on here, along with any other images of my form are done entirely by me. Michael's fully hands-off when it comes to how i choose to present myself.
And yeah, i think that's all i've got to say. Sorry it took me a million years to get around to this post after Michael posted his, but well, it's been a busy time for us.
Anyway, we hope you found this little dive into our plural life interesting, and have a good day! Or week! Heck, let's make it a whole good month. You're worth it. 😉
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